PATCH PICKS: Top 5 Ways to Survive the End of the World in Timonium

What will you do when the world ends?

Well, it's that time of year again. That's right, it's the end of the world.

First it was the millennium, the year 2000. Civilization as we know it was scheduled to come to an end. When that didn't happen, Y2Kers decided that since there was no year "zero," the millennium should actually take place in 2001. Ever since 2001 came and went with a whimper, it seems every time there's an eclipse or the discovery of an obscure Nostradamus diary entry, there's a faction of people somewhere that believe it's a sign of the apocalypse.

This Saturday is believed, by Harold Camping and the folks at , to be the end (for the second time since 1994). A great earthquake will swallow up the wicked and only a select few will meet God in heaven. 

... Seriously. 

If the rapture is upon us, here are five things you can do in Lutherville-Timonium to prepare for the hell on Earth that will be Sunday, May 22! And if you don't get around to some of the items on this list, don't worry. There's always next year.

Have a Last Meal 

If the world really ends on Saturday, finding a restaurant with decent hours is going to be a nightmare for the foreseeable future. I'd suggest going out one last time to get some quality grub that doesn't come freeze dried or in a can.

Here's a tip—avoid the chains. Do you know how crowded is going to be with everyone in the area scrambling for one last Late Night Happy Hour? I'd recommend trying the brand-new Café Spice on York Road. It won't be mobbed, they serve delicious food and everyone should try Indian food at least once before they reach the afterlife.

Get Your 2nd Amendment On

If I were you, I'd hurry down to so you can learn how to shoot a gun. All I'm saying is, if there are people with guns, and people without guns, I know which side I'd like to be on. When times are tight and resources are scarce, you absolutely cannot afford to waste ammo, so it's in your best interest to learn how to shoot the right way.

This actually might be a good place to hunker down and wait out the crazies. I can't think of many better places to be on Doomsday than holed away inside a concrete building filled with weapons.

Fill Your Fridge

Don't be caught facing Armageddon with a carton of expired milk and a couple slices of cheese. Stock your home with perishable and non-perishable items (as long as you promise to eat the veggies before they go bad). Crowds shouldn't be a huge issue due to the abundance of choices.


(All within five minutes of each other.)

On second thought, I'd stay away from Walmart. I know what that place looks like after midnight. Just imagine how it will look on the eve of the apocalypse!

Get Gas 

If you are one of the lucky few chosen to survive the end of the world, you're going to need to get around. The bad news is public transit is likely to shut down, but the good news is the lack of traffic will provide you with highway level gas mileage everywhere you go. Also, you may or may not need the gasoline to make Molotov cocktails with which to fend off rival herds of survivors. 

The cheapest places to fill up dozens of containers of gas are the Petro station near York & Timonium, and the BP on York and Margate, according to BaltimoreGasPrices.com.

If being environmentally friendly is still a priority to you after your friends and neighbors have met their maker, head over to the Lutherville Bike Shop. Pick yourself up a 10-speed and laugh as frustrated motorists attempt to flee the cities on the highways, Michael Bay style. 

Stock the Bar

One thing you'll definitely need to help you navigate the post-apocalyptic wasteland is a sustained buzz, so make sure you have a healthy supply of alcohol on hand before the end comes. My favorite place is Cranbrook Liquors.

They keep a shopping cart full of discount wine near the front of the store, so I'd suggest getting in there early, purchasing the entire thing, and wheeling it home. The cart will also come in handy when you're scouring the rubble for resources.

Good luck!

Joanna Franklin Bell May 20, 2011 at 04:50 PM
Evan, you're my hero.


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